Medicore
by killinmeasoftly
Summary: It's not like she meant to develop an addiction. It was a slow fade. It started with her internship. Or was it the class work? Or was it trying to save the Bellas? She didn't really know. She just knew she needed a few more hours at night to stay awake.


Beca could not find her stash of Adderall, but she needed it, damn it. It's not like she meant to develop an addiction. It was a slow fade. It started with her internship. Or was it the class work? Or was it trying to save the Bellas? She didn't really know. She just knew she needed a few more hours at night to stay awake. If she could stay awake, she could finish her schoolwork. If she could stay awake, she could find her voice for her internship. If she can finish those things, she can make the setlist for the Bellas. Talk about chain reactions.

When she finally found it and took it, it was a huge relief. She could get something done tonight. She had the opportunity to be a person. She was going to be worth it. She was going to be worth it. She was going to do something and somehow be a better person. Right?

It turns out that's not exactly how that works. She mostly just texts chloe about her feelings at 4am after chloe is way asleep and then acts like it was nothing. She also just stares at the wall. Some nights its very productive. Other nights it goes like this

Becs: I don't actually like the feeling of sex. Is that normal?

Becs: I don't have anything original to say. I don't have a voice

Becs: I could be so much better

Becs: Why do people want to live to be one hundred? I don't even want to live to 25

Chlo: Hey sorry. I was sleeping. Are you good?

Becs: Yeah sorry. I was probably tired or something.

And that pattern continued about twice a week, for about a month.

It was the day that they were hanging out in Beca's room that Chloe found the pills. It started out as just two friends joking around. Beca hid her phone as a joke and she was looking for it. She accidentally knocked a little box off the desk and the sound sounded wrong to Chloe. Beca tried to grab it before she did, but it did not work.

"What the fuck is this?"

"Calm down, it's just advil"

"Advil doesn't come in a prescription bottle, beca".

"I just use a friend's old bottle"

"Yeah?"

"yeah."

"Let's see. Give me my phone back"

"For what?"

"To look up the markings on the pills"

"If you don't trust me you should just leave. I don't know who you think I am, but it's not me"

"If you have nothing to hide, why are you so defensive?"

"Just get out, okay?" Beca started to yell.

"No. stop."

"What?"

"You are not going to do tis right now. Come sit here. Come talk to me"

"Chloe, it's getting late. I just want to go to bed"

"No, come talk to me. What are you using?"

There was a long silent pause

"Beca?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you using?"

"Adderall"

"Is that what all of those texts have been about?"

"yeah"

"why?"

"why what?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"To balance things better. To be better. I always feel less than mediocre. Do you ever feel like you're not what you're supposed to be?"

"Beca, you'll always be more than mediocre to me. You're amazing"

"just to you. You have to love me"

"no I don't. It's a choice I make everyday. What are you hoping to get from this? Why do you do this?"

"I just thought that if I had more time, I'd have an advantage. I'd be better. I'd stop disappointing and then I felt like I NEEDED it to get anything done"

"Oh Beca"

"I just want to be the best I can and I can't if I spend time needing to eat or drink or sleep"

"Honey, we can't do this anymore okay? You have a problem"

"I know"

"Were going to fix it, okay?"

"how?"

"Well first were going to get some sleep. You're going to sleep right here with me. No Adderall tonight"

"okay"

"And then tomorrow you're going to do your work with me after classes"

"okay"

"And we're going to get lunch. You're going to eat a good meal"

"okay"

"And we're going to take it one day at a time. We'll get a counselor on campus if you need it"

"Okay"

"And Beca?"

"Yeah?"

"You were never mediocre. Always incredible. I love you."

"I love you too Chloe"

"goodnight"


End file.
